For as long as I remember I have always been concerned about whether or not people would like me and tried to do whatever I could to win their affection.
This started at a young age for me; I was bullied starting in elementary school and all I ever wanted was to be friends with all of the kids. The bullying continued throughout middle school and high school and to some degree I still deal with some of it, but not to the same extent as I used to. I put up with most of it because I thought they were already, or I wanted them to be my friends. I think back to it and wish I had known better.
I wore different clothes, or did my hair a certain way, did my makeup, drank certain things or acted certain ways just so others would like me. I was trying to please others because I was afraid that they wouldn't like me, and because I wanted them so badly to like me.
For a while now I've been feeling more open to how I feel about myself and whether I like myself as a person without other peoples opinions. The other day I kind of felt like Rachel in Friends in the episode where Phoebe told her she was being a pushover. Why? Quite literally because I feel like I have been a pushover for so long in letting others walk all over me, in letting them tell me how to act, what to say, what to do and what to look like. And by trying to be a different version of me I thought they would like more. I am exhausted from having tried so hard to please others, but now is my time to be unapologetically myself.
To put it simply, those are someone else's opinions and I do not have to do what they want or try to be the person they want me to be, and neither do you. We get so lost in trying to have friends when the fact is that real friends and those who care about you want you to be yourself, so if someone wants you to be a different version of yourself, don't take it.
I am proud of the progress I have made in rediscovering who I am over the past year, but I still cope with the fact that sometimes you have days where you forget who you are altogether.
Remember, don't lose who you are in others because you need to be happy in yourself first and foremost.
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